My mom & Matt (age 3)

Well, it’s December 5th, 2020, and I sit here in the middle of the night – wide awake. Why can’t I sleep tonight? It’s because my mind is flooded with memories of my son, Matt – who I gave birth to 33 years ago today. My first child and son went to heaven this year on April 13th so this is a first for me – this day without him here on earth.

His birth in 1987 was one that I awaited with baited breath – literally. From 8 weeks into the pregnancy, I knew there were problems, and so I searched out a wonderful doctor and went on short term medical leave to lay in bed for the duration of my pregnancy. On December 5th Matt was only 4 weeks early and as the doctor said, that was a good thing. The team of doctors met me at the elevator and within a short time, after our emergency C-section,  Matt was here! He was born at 8:32 pm at night, 4.9 lbs! He was just so tiny. It took us both 10 days in the hospital before we could go home. When we left, he weighed all of 5 lbs! The first year was tough but, my son made it!

I truly believe, even still, that I chose the right name, as Matthew means “Gift from God”. To me, then and now, he was my gift from God.

He always had a big smile and especially on this day! His life was filled with ups and downs but he loved his birthday! Last year, I could not get up to Baltimore from OC to see him, but we Facebook messaged, I sent him a Panera gift card and then, just about a month before he went to heaven, I got a notice that he activated and used it.

That makes me feel good to know that he enjoyed a little Panera Bread.

For me, there are times when I have such regret as in the last month of Matt’s life he reached out several times and I did not call or communicate back. I had my reasons then, but now I just wish I’d made that phone call to him. I’d give everything I have to hear his voice one more time on the phone now.

Tonight it is pouring rain – that reminds me of Matt as he really disliked rain. He’d say, I’d rather it snow. Right now, tonight, I feel like the rain drops are my tears pouring down my face that I cannot control. I miss him so much and some days are much harder than others – like this one.

On December 5th, 1999, my mom, and Matt’s Grandma Freda went to heaven. I told Matt she chose his birthday so that he’d always remember how much she loved him. I feel the sense of the two of them together now – smiling down on me. It was an ongoing joke with Matt & I (yet, I think we both believed it) as every year he’d talk about how Grandma Freda was going to make it snow on his birthday so that he could get out of school. This happened many times! But, then as adult in his first year in the Air Force in Texas, it snowed on his birthday! It had not snowed there in over 20 years, but for Matt – snow!

Matt & Ty

Matt & Danny at BNI

This is also Matt’s very best friend’s birthday, Ty. Although Ty is a year older than Matt – they both shared this same day. It was always something Matt cherished – spending this day together with Ty.

And, this is why I am not sleeping and thought perhaps, by putting it into words in this blog, it would help. Happy Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday, Matty!

Tomorrow, October 13th, 2020, will mark 6 months since my son, Matt left this world.

Matt was with me for 32 years and for a bunch of years he worked with my husband and I in Virtual Assistance by Anita and represented our company in BNI.

Since April 13th, I’ve been asked by many, how are you doing? And, so I thought I might write this blog to explain some of how I’m doing.

I miss him. First it was my birthday, May 3rd. I missed his call, Facebook Post and messages. The very next weekend was Mother’s Day… that was tough. I didn’t know what pain was before this; really. Then I thought I might be good until December, but football was one of Matt’s passions, so when football began again, once more I missed him as a part of my life.

Matt has shown me and sent me messages through people to let me know that he is ok; in fact the words come back to me over and over ‘I’m more than ok, momma’. I believe in my faith that he is in a place without pain, or loss or sadness. But, it is still difficult to walk through each day knowing that my oldest son, with that big smile and sparkling blue eyes, like his momma’s eyes, is not here. I can not talk to him; although honestly some days I still do talk to him. I just start talking to the empty room; my husband is somewhat concerned, but you know, this is new for us both; never navigated these waters before… losing our son was not in the plan.

This always makes me think about the circle of life and then, the Lion King movie. Matt loved this movie and used to sing the song as a child often; I can hear his voice now, the Circle of life… There have been moments of anger. Questions like “Why is it that I’m 57 & still here … what happened to your children outlive you?”  But, I don’t get to choose; no more than Matt did. We all believe in our family that God is with us and he directs our lives. In the very first day after Matt ascended to heaven, a friend said, “Anita, God had a special job for Matt to do in heaven; he needed him now.”

Yup, I get that too. So, when the tears come, the emptiness and the “I miss my son” – I have a few new outlets. First, I thought I’d do this 6 month blog. And, I’m creating a scrapbook. It contains pictures of Matt, but more special to me and I know they would be to him, the scrapbook contains cards from friends. We have received so many! Almost everyone wrote a personal messages with lots of comforting words, memories with Matt and support. The cards are each unique and beautiful It’s therapeutic for me to do a few pages at a time when I am really missing him.

Thanks to COVID, we’ve not been able to put together a celebration of Matthew’s life ceremony. Just like thanks to the world we live in now, we could not transfer his body to the funeral home for a week and ONLY immediate family could do the viewing and say good bye. I had to lobby, email, call and fill out forms just for this. In the end, the funeral home was so special to us; they allowed Matt’s best friend for over 20 years to also be with us. That was a good moment as Ty is like a son to me.

6 months. It feels like it was yesterday sometimes, and then the next moment, like this one, it feels like a million years since I’ve hugged him, heard his sweet voice say “Momma” like only he could do, or look at his blue eyes light up. Friends and family say I’m strong, but it’s the friends and family around me that keep me going forward. It’s also the knowledge that Matt would want me to enjoy this life as we’ve learned… it is so so much shorter than we realize.

If there is a lesson to be learned and Matt and I believed learning is life; that would be it; Live your Life – don’t put off that special call, email, text, and do what you really want with your life with the people you really want to be surrounded by – as it’s shorter than we think.

My deepest heartfelt thanks to all of you for your love, kind words, support, cards, texts, emails as you are light in my life over the past 6 months.