Tomorrow, October 13th, 2020, will mark 6 months since my son, Matt left this world.
Matt was with me for 32 years and for a bunch of years he worked with my husband and I in Virtual Assistance by Anita and represented our company in BNI.
Since April 13th, I’ve been asked by many, how are you doing? And, so I thought I might write this blog to explain some of how I’m doing.
I miss him. First it was my birthday, May 3rd. I missed his call, Facebook Post and messages. The very next weekend was Mother’s Day… that was tough. I didn’t know what pain was before this; really. Then I thought I might be good until December, but football was one of Matt’s passions, so when football began again, once more I missed him as a part of my life.
Matt has shown me and sent me messages through people to let me know that he is ok; in fact the words come back to me over and over ‘I’m more than ok, momma’. I believe in my faith that he is in a place without pain, or loss or sadness. But, it is still difficult to walk through each day knowing that my oldest son, with that big smile and sparkling blue eyes, like his momma’s eyes, is not here. I can not talk to him; although honestly some days I still do talk to him. I just start talking to the empty room; my husband is somewhat concerned, but you know, this is new for us both; never navigated these waters before… losing our son was not in the plan.
This always makes me think about the circle of life and then, the Lion King movie. Matt loved this movie and used to sing the song as a child often; I can hear his voice now, the Circle of life… There have been moments of anger. Questions like “Why is it that I’m 57 & still here … what happened to your children outlive you?” But, I don’t get to choose; no more than Matt did. We all believe in our family that God is with us and he directs our lives. In the very first day after Matt ascended to heaven, a friend said, “Anita, God had a special job for Matt to do in heaven; he needed him now.”
Yup, I get that too. So, when the tears come, the emptiness and the “I miss my son” – I have a few new outlets. First, I thought I’d do this 6 month blog. And, I’m creating a scrapbook. It contains pictures of Matt, but more special to me and I know they would be to him, the scrapbook contains cards from friends. We have received so many! Almost everyone wrote a personal messages with lots of comforting words, memories with Matt and support. The cards are each unique and beautiful It’s therapeutic for me to do a few pages at a time when I am really missing him.
Thanks to COVID, we’ve not been able to put together a celebration of Matthew’s life ceremony. Just like thanks to the world we live in now, we could not transfer his body to the funeral home for a week and ONLY immediate family could do the viewing and say good bye. I had to lobby, email, call and fill out forms just for this. In the end, the funeral home was so special to us; they allowed Matt’s best friend for over 20 years to also be with us. That was a good moment as Ty is like a son to me.
6 months. It feels like it was yesterday sometimes, and then the next moment, like this one, it feels like a million years since I’ve hugged him, heard his sweet voice say “Momma” like only he could do, or look at his blue eyes light up. Friends and family say I’m strong, but it’s the friends and family around me that keep me going forward. It’s also the knowledge that Matt would want me to enjoy this life as we’ve learned… it is so so much shorter than we realize.
If there is a lesson to be learned and Matt and I believed learning is life; that would be it; Live your Life – don’t put off that special call, email, text, and do what you really want with your life with the people you really want to be surrounded by – as it’s shorter than we think.
My deepest heartfelt thanks to all of you for your love, kind words, support, cards, texts, emails as you are light in my life over the past 6 months.